Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize