Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This baby is an asshole
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
