I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
