im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
