Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
