god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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