Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
