i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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