That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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