I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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