dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
