I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
