just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
