You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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