i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
