The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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