She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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