I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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