I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
