oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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