I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
