I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
