Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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