woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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