Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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