I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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