Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
