With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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