I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
two words...techno handjob
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
