I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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