Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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