Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
