I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
