new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize