Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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