Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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