Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
