Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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