I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My bed smells like the plague
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
