ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
PANTIES FOUND
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize