how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
