dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My life is pants optional.
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