so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
