So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
