Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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