Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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