I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
