I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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