I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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