I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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