Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I have already put on my inside pants.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
