Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
