Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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