you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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