I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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