We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
