i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
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