The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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