shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize