I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
