sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
FUCK WHALES
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
