DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
