I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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