meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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