Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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