I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
