just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
