My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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