He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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