Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
