Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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