you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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