He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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