There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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