period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
