I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
