i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
