I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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