Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
