What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
