a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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